When talking about interpersonal communication, miscommunication is an interesting and wide topic, and definitely something I've experienced a lot of. Miscommunication happens a lot due to differences in gender, culture, perception, language, nonverbal cues, and listening behaviors. I wanted to focus on how nonverbal cues can affect miscommunication.
As the book points out, nonverbal communication often conveys more information than verbal and is usually believed over verbal when there is a conflicting message. A lot of the time nonverbal cues do help us understand messages better or can help us discern the truth when someone may be lying. However, there are also times when we assume that certain nonverbal cues mean things because we relate them to what they "typically" mean. If we see someone crying we may think they are sad. If we see someone laughing we assume they are happy. If we see someone glaring we may think they are mad. Yet, if we do not have enough information to back up our assumptions, we may assume the wrong thing (which can sometimes lead to problems if we act on those wrong assumptions). For instance, seeing a person cry may not necessarily mean that they are sad. They could be crying from joy, frustration, anger, sorrow, etc. Assuming the wrong thing in this instance wouldn't have as much of an impact compared to if you are actually interacting with someone.
For instance, this past semester I had a conflict with a friend which led us to not talking for awhile. My roommate is also a close friend of this person. During this period I was very busy, I was in and out of the apartment a lot due to school work and projects. When I was at the apartment I was keeping to myself because I was trying to finish assignments and my verbal cues such as facial expressions and composure were mostly due to stress and lack of sleep. However, my roommate associated the situation with how I was acting and thought that I was acting that way because I was also mad at her and didn't want to talk to her (which was definitely not the case). This led to her being upset and avoiding me for a little bit. She finally confronted me and told me how she was feeling and that she was concerned. We sorted things out, but I felt bad that she thought I was mad at her. I apologized for being busy and stressed and told her that my actions were not associated with how I felt towards her and that I wasn't mad at her.
My sister also experienced miscommunication due to nonverbal cues recently when she was introduced to a new friend. She was acting like her normal self, being friendly, smiling, and so forth. People that know her, know that she acts like that to all of her friends. However, her new friend didn't know her that well and read her actions as though she was interested in him. This led to him becoming interested in her and asking her on a date because he thought those were the signals she was giving him. Sadly, he was disappointed because my sister only saw him as a friend and wasn't wanting to date. I think this happens a lot though between guys and girls. A lot of times we get "mixed signals," or we assume what some signals mean because some nonverbal cues are associated with typical meanings. I think a lot of the time the opposite sex has a harder time "reading" nonverbal cues because of gender differences. I think girls can also be guilty sometimes of trying to use certain nonverbal cues to communicate with a guy and they expect for guys to understand them. When the guys do not understand, it causes the girls to get frustrated. I think in general, guys tend to be more direct than girls.
I think nonverbal cues are very important and a lot of the time help us to understand our conversations better. However, I think we should be wary of misinterpreting these cues and acting on our own assumptions. Miscommunication is going to happen, but its important to also listen and learn from our mistakes. When I assume things about my friends based on their nonverbal cues, and they correct me and tell me that it means something else, then in the future I will not assume the same as before but will know what they really mean when they act a certain way or do something in a particular way. I also try to learn from the way my nonverbal cues come across and may cause miscommunication. Sometimes I just tell my friends what my facial expressions or actions really mean if they interpret wrong. On the other hand sometimes I try to change my nonverbal cues to avoid miscommunication. Like in the since of my roommate, when I realized how my nonverbal cues made her feel, I changed my actions so that she knew I was happy to see her and be around her (and try to not let my stress be as visible). Similar to my sisters situation, I've had times when guys have misinterpreted my nonverbal cues. In these instances, I will act a certain way, which is different than I normally act but is a way to make sure that they don't take an action the wrong way.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Conflict
The way that we handle conflict is shaped a lot by our background in terms of culture and family beliefs. I have been raised more according to individualistic and low-context models. According to individualistic beliefs I was taught more to value the rights, needs, and goals of the individual and that it is alright to disagree with people. Low-context is where all parties are expected to be clear about the source of disagreement and be upfront about a resolution or suggestions. Usually when it comes to conflict I have always liked to be upfront about the issue and get it resolved. When I see conflict and I think that there is a way to resolve it, I don't like to just ignore it and let it worsen. I usually like to manage conflict through either accommodating, compromising, or collaborating. Though I value the rights and needs of individuals, I also value the rights and needs of others a lot and therefore, when I find it appropriate I like to be accommodating if I feel that it is the best way to resolve that issue and be respectful of the other person. A lot of times I feel this way is more appropriate when it comes to my parents, superiors, or friends from other cultures who handle conflict differently. At other times I feel like it is appropriate to compromise when a win-win situation is not really possible. I think that compromising helps the other person feel like they aren't completly losing out on the conflict. But most of all, when it comes to conflict especially with my peers such as close friends or my roommates, I like to try to collaborate. Through collaborating, I like to talk things out with the other person and figure out how we can both make things work. The problem with these types of management is that they are more time consuming and sometimes more difficult, and if the other person isn't wanting to collaborate then it can cause more conflict or lead to other management strategies such as compromising or accommodating.
The way in which I handle conflict has especially been influenced by my family because I didn't like the way that my mom handled conflict. Whenever we had conflict in our family, she usually saw it as she was right and things needed to be solved her way. Most of the time my sister and I felt like she overreacted about a lot minor things. If she had tried to approach things in a more calm manner and not get mad or defensive upfront, I think that we would have avoided a lot of conflict in my family. On the other hand my dad was not very confrontational and liked to solve conflict by talking things out and finding the best solution. Because I didn't like the way my mom handled conflict whether it be with me, my sister, or my dad, I told myself that I didn't want to be like that. I like to respect people and try to maintain harmony. Even if I feel strongly about something I like to try to present it in the least offensive way and figure things out in a manner that will keep negative feelings from building.
The interesting thing is that lately, the way I handle conflict has changed some due to my circumstances. As I mentioned before in my other post about relationship maintenance, I haven't had as much time this semester to really sit down and talk with my friends about things, especially when it comes to problems or conflict. Since I don't want to make things worse I've adapted more to just thinking that the conflict will work out on its own, or that I can get over it for now and address it later. The problem with this, is that it allows for something to build up when it could have been addressed at an earlier time and avoided people blowing up at each other. I've never really had this problem before because I usually like to address things when they come up and have it resolved instead of just ignoring it. As I look back on it now, even though I felt like I didn't have a lot of time to talk, I think it would have been better to take a few minutes out to talk about issues instead of avoiding them or letting them build up.
Listening and Remembering
In chapter 7, the book discusses the stages of effective listening. The six stages of effective listening are represented by the HURIER acronym: hearing, understanding, remembering, interpreting, evaluating, and responding.
I wanted to focus on remembering for two reasons. I have found that personally, remembering has predominantly affected my communication with others either because I have a hard time remembering some details or because the other person I am conversing with remembers things differently than I do. The other reason is because I believe that my grandma is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and it has been interesting/sad to see how her memory has affected our interactions.
My friends see me as a "good listener." However, one thing that they like to joke about, and I do as well is my memory. Most of the time I'll say, "I'm sorry! my memory is really bad!" As the book states, "remembering what we hear can help us to communicate with others more effectively." My memory has definitely caused me to have awkward encounters when I have forgotten a person's name, major, or something that is their "favorite." It has also caused my friends to be disappointed when they realize that I forgot something that they had told me. Most of the time when they remind me what they said I will remember the instance of them telling me, but before they remind me I may ask them the same question because I forgot they had already told me. Even worse, sometimes I may forget that I told them I would do something.
Sometimes, the interesting outcome of a conversation is when another person and I both remember a certain detail differently. This may cause us to discuss for awhile of who is right or wrong. Sometimes it can lead to funny, light-hearted conversations, but at other times if the details are more serious it can cause more stress and turn into an argument. Most of the time however, since I know I tend to forget things easily I usually agree that the other person is right. On the other hand, I sometimes have other people to back up my information. It was funny because the other day my roommates, another friend, and I had gone to grab something to eat. While we were waiting for the food, my friend and I started talking about our pool's apartment since it had recently opened but we haven't had the time to go yet. I started talking about all of us being at the pool together last summer and my friend interjected and said, "no I've never been to the pool with all of you. Patty (one of my roommates) wasn't there when I went." I insisted that I remembered that all four us had gone, but at the same time I thought that maybe I was remembering it wrong. At first, I was going to just agree that he was right but then I decided to ask Patty since she was standing there if she remembered going with us. Both Patty and my other roommate agreed that we had all gone together and my friend was very surprised to have been wrong, since normally he likes to think that he has a good memory. In this case, it was something light-hearted that we all laughed about instead of something serious or hurtful.
Though I feel like my memory is a little worse than other people that I know, the book also points out that in general, "people can recall only 25% of what they hear -- and of that portion, they remember only about 20% of it accurately." Though I know I and other people try to listen well, it is difficult to remember everything perfectly and I think remembering is a major step that typically causes a breakdown in communication. Sometimes when I want to make sure that I remember things that are important, I try to write it down so that I will be reminded and less likely to forget.
As I also mentioned in my previous post about not having enough time for myself and being overloaded with work or other concerns, my mind will be preoccupied with other things which can make it harder to remember details when talking with people. So again, its important to find a balance and to make sure to relax so that we aren't too preoccupied with other things.
--In general, I think distractions are often the reason why people have a hard time remembering information and details.
In respect to my grandma developing Alzheimer's, it has definitely made communicating with her more difficult in the past few years. Her developing Alzheimer's isn't a problem with her ability to listen, but it is something that I wanted to discuss in terms of how it affects communication. On her side of the communication, I don't think it affects her as much because she does not realize that she is repeating herself. However, it makes it difficult sometimes for her family to communicate with her because she will often forget important things that we tell her, which sometimes may impact her health or well being. Her memory can also make it difficult sometimes to carry on a conversation with her because she will repeat the same stories several times over which inhibits the flow of the conversation, and can make one wonder if she will remember what is being said to her. Thankfully, she is in the early stages and it hasn't become severe yet, but it has gotten worse over the past few years. Alzheimer's can be a scary and sad thing for a family, especially when it gets to the point that the person doesn't remember family members. I talked about her some in my "family" post and I love her very much. And as a family, we will always be there for her and support her, even if our ability to communicate with her decreases.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Relationship Maintenance
In chapter 8 we talked about social relationships and relational maintenance behaviors. The way that this semester has been, especially in the last few weeks, has made me think a lot about my friendships and the maintenance of these relationships. This semester has been my most time consuming out of my four years. I had wanted my last semester to be more relaxed and to have more time to spend with friends, but somehow both my advisor and I didn't realize until I was signing up for classes last semester that, I was one class short of what I thought. Because of this I needed to take 19 hours this semester instead of the 15/16 hours I thought I would be taking. Along with 19 hours, instead of having a typical class that has a few assignments, tests, and a final, almost all of my classes this semester have had weekly assignments (kinda reminded me of high school >.<) In other words I have at least one, sometimes multiple assignments due from Tuesday through Sunday each week (not including extra things like tests, papers, and projects). With that said, I spent a lot of time doing school work this semester, and not a lot time hanging out with my friends. Along with trying to find the time for school, extracurriculars, family, and friends, I've also found that I've been neglecting time for myself. I'm the type of person that likes to meet the needs of my friends and other people first before I meet my own needs. My friends are very important to me and I've always told myself that in life, the relationships that I make with people are far more important than the grades I make or how much money I make. In past semesters this has been evident in that many nights I would stay up talking to my friends when they needed help or needed someone to talk to instead of working on homework or studying. In past semesters because I didn't have as many hours, this caused me to lose sleep, but it did not interfere with me getting homework done on time. However, because of the structure of this semester, I wasn't really able to do those things because it would have affected school. I felt torn because I cared a lot about my friends but I didn't want my last semester to suffer either. I just kept telling myself, I just need to get through this semester and things will be better.
Throughout this semester I've still been able to find some time to spend with my friends, but mostly it would be them asking if I wanted to hang out and I would say "you want to go to a coffee shop and do homework together?" So most of the time I spent with my friends this semester revolved around doing homework. I was glad to still be able to see them and talk with them, but I could tell by the circumstances of this semester that I was missing some relational maintenance behaviors, which has made me feel like my friendships have become more distant than before. I think that "time" especially is a very important aspect to maintaining friendships. Though it is not considered one of the five relational maintenance behaviors, I believe that time affects all five of the behaviors: positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks. In terms of positivity, I feel like a lot of my friends have viewed me as being "too busy" for them this semester. If they see me as being too busy and always doing work then there is going to be a low positivity and it will cause them to be less likely to want to hang out. When it comes to openness, I'm usually a very open person and have been in the past. However, since I haven't been able to really spend time with my friends and talk to them like I usually do, we haven't really had the opportunity or time to talk in a way of disclosing our thoughts and feelings. I'm not saying I haven't been able to at all this semester, but it has definitely decreased from the past. Similar to positivity, assurances are affected as well when friends see me as being "too busy" to spend time with them. This may cause them to feel that I'm not as commited to the relationship or that they aren't as important to me. Though I try to reassure them verbally, I feel that actions and actual time spent together has a larger impact than verbal expression. The social networks I have among my friends have also been affected due to a lack of time. A lot of the social networks among my friends, I experienced through going to events or participating in different things. When I am more limited to seeing my friends just through studying, and I am unable to go to as many social events, I wind up only seeing a select few, mostly my closer friends, but this has caused my social networks to decrease a lot, which in turn affects my close friends who are use to me hanging around our other friends as well. In terms of sharing tasks, I've still tried to return favors, but overall the amount of sharing tasks has decreased when my friends and I don't spend as much time together.
Overall, it's not that I've been a total recluse this semester and lost my friends, but I have noticed that my relationships have been negatively affected by the lack of time that I have had to put into maintaining them. The thing that disappoints me is that as I mentioned before, to me relationships are more important than materialistic things. I think it is important to have a balance between the two, but this semester I wasn't able to find that balance. The other interesting thing in terms of maintaining relationships is how we also maintain ourselves. As I mentioned in the beginning, I haven't had a lot of time for myself either. I'm constantly thinking about school, applying to graduate school, work, etc. and when I do have some free time, I spend it with my friends instead of taking time out to clear my mind and just think. I have found that this can impact a relationship because if I never take the time out to just recenter and think, then it can affect my conversations with other people. My mind becomes muddled with work and studying and when I do see my friends it can cause our conversations to be less interactive because my mind is distracted. This, combined with seeing them less can sometimes make us feel like we don't have as much to talk about compared to if we saw each other on a regular basis. I have found that when I have more time to write, play my guitar, paint, or meditate, that I'm able to concentrate more on conversations with other people instead of being consumed or worried about the next assignment I need to do.
After thinking about all of this, it has also made me think about how my friendships will be next year. I will most likely be in another state next year at graduate school. Though the strength of my friendships have decreased over the past few months, they have not ended. However, the book comments that "according to research, one of the most common life changes that can end a friendship is physical separation." Friendships are easier to maintain when you see them all the time. As I have already experienced with decreased available time to hang out, it has made it harder to maintain my relationships at the level that they were. Even more so, being physcially separated by distance, and seeing my friends only a couple times a years is going to be even more difficult. Though I know I can still maintain my friendships, it will be a lot more difficult and I know the relationships that will last will most likely only be my closest ones. As we mentioned in one of our discussions, facebook, as some believe has been a way to maintain relationships. I agree that it has made it easier as opposed to writing letters, and I definitley think in the next year I will be using facebook, IM, and video chat more as a means to maintain the relationships that I have with my friends who will be staying in North Carolina (or will also be in other states due to jobs/graduate study).
I am definitely looking forward to this summer =)
Throughout this semester I've still been able to find some time to spend with my friends, but mostly it would be them asking if I wanted to hang out and I would say "you want to go to a coffee shop and do homework together?" So most of the time I spent with my friends this semester revolved around doing homework. I was glad to still be able to see them and talk with them, but I could tell by the circumstances of this semester that I was missing some relational maintenance behaviors, which has made me feel like my friendships have become more distant than before. I think that "time" especially is a very important aspect to maintaining friendships. Though it is not considered one of the five relational maintenance behaviors, I believe that time affects all five of the behaviors: positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks. In terms of positivity, I feel like a lot of my friends have viewed me as being "too busy" for them this semester. If they see me as being too busy and always doing work then there is going to be a low positivity and it will cause them to be less likely to want to hang out. When it comes to openness, I'm usually a very open person and have been in the past. However, since I haven't been able to really spend time with my friends and talk to them like I usually do, we haven't really had the opportunity or time to talk in a way of disclosing our thoughts and feelings. I'm not saying I haven't been able to at all this semester, but it has definitely decreased from the past. Similar to positivity, assurances are affected as well when friends see me as being "too busy" to spend time with them. This may cause them to feel that I'm not as commited to the relationship or that they aren't as important to me. Though I try to reassure them verbally, I feel that actions and actual time spent together has a larger impact than verbal expression. The social networks I have among my friends have also been affected due to a lack of time. A lot of the social networks among my friends, I experienced through going to events or participating in different things. When I am more limited to seeing my friends just through studying, and I am unable to go to as many social events, I wind up only seeing a select few, mostly my closer friends, but this has caused my social networks to decrease a lot, which in turn affects my close friends who are use to me hanging around our other friends as well. In terms of sharing tasks, I've still tried to return favors, but overall the amount of sharing tasks has decreased when my friends and I don't spend as much time together.
Overall, it's not that I've been a total recluse this semester and lost my friends, but I have noticed that my relationships have been negatively affected by the lack of time that I have had to put into maintaining them. The thing that disappoints me is that as I mentioned before, to me relationships are more important than materialistic things. I think it is important to have a balance between the two, but this semester I wasn't able to find that balance. The other interesting thing in terms of maintaining relationships is how we also maintain ourselves. As I mentioned in the beginning, I haven't had a lot of time for myself either. I'm constantly thinking about school, applying to graduate school, work, etc. and when I do have some free time, I spend it with my friends instead of taking time out to clear my mind and just think. I have found that this can impact a relationship because if I never take the time out to just recenter and think, then it can affect my conversations with other people. My mind becomes muddled with work and studying and when I do see my friends it can cause our conversations to be less interactive because my mind is distracted. This, combined with seeing them less can sometimes make us feel like we don't have as much to talk about compared to if we saw each other on a regular basis. I have found that when I have more time to write, play my guitar, paint, or meditate, that I'm able to concentrate more on conversations with other people instead of being consumed or worried about the next assignment I need to do.
After thinking about all of this, it has also made me think about how my friendships will be next year. I will most likely be in another state next year at graduate school. Though the strength of my friendships have decreased over the past few months, they have not ended. However, the book comments that "according to research, one of the most common life changes that can end a friendship is physical separation." Friendships are easier to maintain when you see them all the time. As I have already experienced with decreased available time to hang out, it has made it harder to maintain my relationships at the level that they were. Even more so, being physcially separated by distance, and seeing my friends only a couple times a years is going to be even more difficult. Though I know I can still maintain my friendships, it will be a lot more difficult and I know the relationships that will last will most likely only be my closest ones. As we mentioned in one of our discussions, facebook, as some believe has been a way to maintain relationships. I agree that it has made it easier as opposed to writing letters, and I definitley think in the next year I will be using facebook, IM, and video chat more as a means to maintain the relationships that I have with my friends who will be staying in North Carolina (or will also be in other states due to jobs/graduate study).
I am definitely looking forward to this summer =)
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Family
Family - What is a family?
Our class addressed this in the discussion week about intimate relationship but I wanted to talk about it a little bit more in respect to my own family and some of my friends.
There is a certain general idea of what a family is and as the book notes, a family usually exhibits at least one of these three fundamental elements: genetic ties, legal obligations, and role behaviors. Each family however I believe is unique and is defined by its family members. Each family is different and I think this causes people to have their own definition of what a family is or what it means to them.
For instance, part of my definition of my family is defined by genetic ties. The people who I include in my family are either through blood or marriage (but in my family there are not any individuals who I consider family that aren't related to us through blood or marriage). I also define some of my family members, such as my mom and dad, by legal obligations. My parents have provided for me my whole life and have also chosen to support my sister and I through college and graduate school (even though they are not obligated to). However, my parents are more than just people who gave birth to me and provide for me. They are also people that I spend a lot of time with, care about, and love. We share what is going on in our lives and support each other emotionally as well. Part of my family I also consider my grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. My grandparents on my dad's side are especially an important part of my family because I grew up next to them for about 12 years. I spent a lot of time with them whether it was at their house, shopping or going to events, or going on vacation with them. They took part in raising my sister and I and are therefore very close to me in terms of my family. I also consider my cousins, aunts, and uncles family because we see them each year at either holidays or for birthdays. For me, though I care about them, I am not as close to them. I see our relation more through just genetic ties. One cousin however, is closer to me because she use to babysit my sister and I a lot when we were little. I know my other cousins are a lot closer to each other than I am to them because they have been able to spend more time together. I think that the amount of time spent with family affects how a person views their family. If a person's parents divorced and they were only able to see their dad a few times during childhood, then their idea of a father is going to be very different from someone who's parents weren't divorced. Also, if you have family members that you see on a regular basis, or those who may have moved in with you such as an aunt or grandmother, then you will have a different view of your family than if you saw your cousins a few times in your life or if your grandparents lived in another state and you could only see them every couple of years. I have several friends like this who have told me that they do not get to see their cousins, aunts, uncles, or grandparents as much because they either live in other states, or live in another country.
Even when comparing two people who both have family members that live/lived at home, their view point on these family members will be different depending on the nature and character of the people. For instance mine and my friends father both lived at home when we were growing up. However, my father was encouraging and supportive while my friend's father was not and was verbally abusive to him and his family. Because of this, My view of a father is definitely different than my friends. To him, his dad is mainly just an association through genetic ties and legal obligations but other than that he doesn't really want anything to do with his dad because of how his dad treated his family as he was growing up. How we view each member in this sense, how each family member relates to us in a social and emotional way, determines the roles of each member in the family. I think these specific roles are the main reason why each family is so unique. My mom is the type of person that tends to overreact and would yell at me and my sister a lot. My dad on the other hand is the type of person that likes to work things out calmly and because of that my sister and I would tend to go to him more when we had problems. Since each person within a family is different it allows for a lot of diversity within family systems.
In all, families vary a lot and as the book mentioned it is hard to really define what a family is because people have so many different views on their own family. For some people their family may not be a big part of their life and may not be supportive in any kind of way. A family may not mean as much as some of their close friends mean to them. For me, my family/relatives are the people that have always been there for me since I was born and will be there no matter what. Friends come and go but my family is always there to support and love me and I will always be there for them. My idea of my family will start to change as my sister and I start to have families of our own in the future. But our idea of what a family is has been influenced by our mother and father and will cause us to see our family in a similar way. Meaning that we will also believe that are families are a support system, in that we will always be there to love them, help them, and be a part of their lives. For me, it will be important to find someone who has the same values and beliefs of a family. Even if the other person's family was not supportive or he hardly saw his family, I would want to find someone who would be accepting of seeing our family and would want to raise our kids with care, love, and support.
Our class addressed this in the discussion week about intimate relationship but I wanted to talk about it a little bit more in respect to my own family and some of my friends.
There is a certain general idea of what a family is and as the book notes, a family usually exhibits at least one of these three fundamental elements: genetic ties, legal obligations, and role behaviors. Each family however I believe is unique and is defined by its family members. Each family is different and I think this causes people to have their own definition of what a family is or what it means to them.
For instance, part of my definition of my family is defined by genetic ties. The people who I include in my family are either through blood or marriage (but in my family there are not any individuals who I consider family that aren't related to us through blood or marriage). I also define some of my family members, such as my mom and dad, by legal obligations. My parents have provided for me my whole life and have also chosen to support my sister and I through college and graduate school (even though they are not obligated to). However, my parents are more than just people who gave birth to me and provide for me. They are also people that I spend a lot of time with, care about, and love. We share what is going on in our lives and support each other emotionally as well. Part of my family I also consider my grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. My grandparents on my dad's side are especially an important part of my family because I grew up next to them for about 12 years. I spent a lot of time with them whether it was at their house, shopping or going to events, or going on vacation with them. They took part in raising my sister and I and are therefore very close to me in terms of my family. I also consider my cousins, aunts, and uncles family because we see them each year at either holidays or for birthdays. For me, though I care about them, I am not as close to them. I see our relation more through just genetic ties. One cousin however, is closer to me because she use to babysit my sister and I a lot when we were little. I know my other cousins are a lot closer to each other than I am to them because they have been able to spend more time together. I think that the amount of time spent with family affects how a person views their family. If a person's parents divorced and they were only able to see their dad a few times during childhood, then their idea of a father is going to be very different from someone who's parents weren't divorced. Also, if you have family members that you see on a regular basis, or those who may have moved in with you such as an aunt or grandmother, then you will have a different view of your family than if you saw your cousins a few times in your life or if your grandparents lived in another state and you could only see them every couple of years. I have several friends like this who have told me that they do not get to see their cousins, aunts, uncles, or grandparents as much because they either live in other states, or live in another country.
Even when comparing two people who both have family members that live/lived at home, their view point on these family members will be different depending on the nature and character of the people. For instance mine and my friends father both lived at home when we were growing up. However, my father was encouraging and supportive while my friend's father was not and was verbally abusive to him and his family. Because of this, My view of a father is definitely different than my friends. To him, his dad is mainly just an association through genetic ties and legal obligations but other than that he doesn't really want anything to do with his dad because of how his dad treated his family as he was growing up. How we view each member in this sense, how each family member relates to us in a social and emotional way, determines the roles of each member in the family. I think these specific roles are the main reason why each family is so unique. My mom is the type of person that tends to overreact and would yell at me and my sister a lot. My dad on the other hand is the type of person that likes to work things out calmly and because of that my sister and I would tend to go to him more when we had problems. Since each person within a family is different it allows for a lot of diversity within family systems.
In all, families vary a lot and as the book mentioned it is hard to really define what a family is because people have so many different views on their own family. For some people their family may not be a big part of their life and may not be supportive in any kind of way. A family may not mean as much as some of their close friends mean to them. For me, my family/relatives are the people that have always been there for me since I was born and will be there no matter what. Friends come and go but my family is always there to support and love me and I will always be there for them. My idea of my family will start to change as my sister and I start to have families of our own in the future. But our idea of what a family is has been influenced by our mother and father and will cause us to see our family in a similar way. Meaning that we will also believe that are families are a support system, in that we will always be there to love them, help them, and be a part of their lives. For me, it will be important to find someone who has the same values and beliefs of a family. Even if the other person's family was not supportive or he hardly saw his family, I would want to find someone who would be accepting of seeing our family and would want to raise our kids with care, love, and support.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Self-esteem and Performance in School
The book points out the belief that some have on self-esteem and its relation to work performance. Some people have been led to believe that low self-esteem in children causes them to perform more poorly in school. The book points out that some schools have acted on this notion by removing spelling bees or honor rolls in order to avoid harming the self-esteem of children. I found this particularly interesting because I remember hearing about something similar to this a few years back in my sociology course. My professor mentioned how some schools had removed their grading system. This mechanism was used to avoid having students with low self-esteem or a poor mental well being. Instead, they encourage children to learn from experience and to use their surroundings as a way of learning.
Though I don't think people should focus solely on a "grade" to determine how smart they are or what they are learning, I do think grades and competitive experiences are important in our school systems. We all learn a lot from our experiences in life, but also having the experience of competition is important to our development as well. Children need to learn the nature of competitions, and that in life, there will be people who are awarded for their success and some who are not. They also need to realize that by not receiving an award or honor doesn't mean that they have failed. Our lives are surrounded by competition. We compete for jobs, we compete for titles, and so forth, and if children grow up without learning this then I think they will have an even harder time understanding it when they actually are forced to compete. Even when they are in college, they will need to understand the idea of grades, honors, and awards. Otherwise they will probably feel very confused or it may even have a negative effect on how they adapt to college. If these people think we should be "sensitive" to children and remove competition, do they also think we should remove competition in our society?
Aside from these negative effects that may occur due to such policies, research has not been able to prove that low self-esteem has a negative impact on performance. I have personally seen this and experienced this. I remember in middle school and high school my self-esteem was lower than what it is now. However, my desire to do my best and perform in school was not related to how I felt socially (except when I had to give speeches >.<). I also noticed that those who were at the top of my class varied in self-esteem, and that in general, those with an inflated self-esteem usually had lower grades. As the book also pointed out, raising self-esteem in children may actually cause students to perform more poorly because their increased confidence in their natural abilities decreases the amount of time they spend studying. However, I think that performance in school is more related to motivation and morals/beliefs.
In all, self-esteem and performance are not as related as some people and schools think. It's not that self-esteem isn't important, and I'm not saying that people should have low self-esteem to perform better, it's more so that as the book says "the benefits of high self-esteem are largely limited to social and emotional areas and may not be as broad as people once thought." The way that we perform in work and school is not as socially influenced. I agree with the book, I think self-esteem is more related to our social interactions and emotional areas. I hope that schools do not continue to make new policies based on this belief. Instead, I hope that they try to encourage healthy competition.
Though I don't think people should focus solely on a "grade" to determine how smart they are or what they are learning, I do think grades and competitive experiences are important in our school systems. We all learn a lot from our experiences in life, but also having the experience of competition is important to our development as well. Children need to learn the nature of competitions, and that in life, there will be people who are awarded for their success and some who are not. They also need to realize that by not receiving an award or honor doesn't mean that they have failed. Our lives are surrounded by competition. We compete for jobs, we compete for titles, and so forth, and if children grow up without learning this then I think they will have an even harder time understanding it when they actually are forced to compete. Even when they are in college, they will need to understand the idea of grades, honors, and awards. Otherwise they will probably feel very confused or it may even have a negative effect on how they adapt to college. If these people think we should be "sensitive" to children and remove competition, do they also think we should remove competition in our society?
Aside from these negative effects that may occur due to such policies, research has not been able to prove that low self-esteem has a negative impact on performance. I have personally seen this and experienced this. I remember in middle school and high school my self-esteem was lower than what it is now. However, my desire to do my best and perform in school was not related to how I felt socially (except when I had to give speeches >.<). I also noticed that those who were at the top of my class varied in self-esteem, and that in general, those with an inflated self-esteem usually had lower grades. As the book also pointed out, raising self-esteem in children may actually cause students to perform more poorly because their increased confidence in their natural abilities decreases the amount of time they spend studying. However, I think that performance in school is more related to motivation and morals/beliefs.
In all, self-esteem and performance are not as related as some people and schools think. It's not that self-esteem isn't important, and I'm not saying that people should have low self-esteem to perform better, it's more so that as the book says "the benefits of high self-esteem are largely limited to social and emotional areas and may not be as broad as people once thought." The way that we perform in work and school is not as socially influenced. I agree with the book, I think self-esteem is more related to our social interactions and emotional areas. I hope that schools do not continue to make new policies based on this belief. Instead, I hope that they try to encourage healthy competition.
Monday, April 26, 2010
The Impact of Culture on Communication
I have always been interested in other cultures. When I was little, I loved to learn about different cultures, especially Asian and Native American (in part because I have a Cherokee background). Though I learned a lot about cultures, I didn’t really have the opportunity to interact and experience communication with people of different ethnicities. I went to a small, private school from the time I was in pre-school until 12th grade, and our school was definitely lacking in diversity. It wasn’t really until I entered college, that I was introduced to people from different cultures. The first person I met at NC State was actually Korean. Before I met her, I was already interested in joining the Asian Student Association but was kind of hesitant. As we were both talking at orientation we decided that we would sign up together (otherwise I probably wouldn’t have on my own).
It was through joining ASA and being friends with this person that I was introduced to many people of different Asian backgrounds. I was interested in all of the Asian cultures, but I became very fond of the Korean culture because of my friend who also introduced me to a predominantly Korean church that she had started attending freshman year. Through these experiences, I made a lot of Korean friends and was often exposed to their culture in terms of food, activities, language, etc. My friends also taught me a lot about the culture, like learning about etiquette, standards, and cultural beliefs
Learning about Korean culture through my friends and my experiences has been a blessing and in no way can compare to learning about cultures through “what you hear” or “what you read.” More importantly, I have found that being able to become familiar with the culture in this manner has allowed me to communicate differently with my friends or even other Koreans that I meet. Over the past four years, I have picked up on Korean words and I have also recently started to learn the basics of speaking Korean. Being familiar with words has helped me to better understand the context of conversations, or cultural references and has helped me to also reference Korean words or phrases. Learning about Korean culture has helped me to relate more to them, which helps my friends and I to have conversations we otherwise wouldn’t be able to.
Overall, our communication is enhanced not only because I am familiar with their culture, but also because they are familiar with the American culture. If I were to go over to Korea, my communication with people there would not be the same as my friends because their perspective of American culture is different. Since my friends have lived in America and experienced the culture, and I have experienced their culture through them, it has provided more of a balance that has helped us to better relate and communicate. Knowing about American culture has also helped my friends when they are trying to explain Korean beliefs or concepts to me. Often, there are words or concepts that my friend will tell me isn’t really found in American Language but she is able to relate in ways that I understand. I think if she wasn’t as familiar with American culture, she would have a harder time explaining (as I have experienced with some Koreans who recently moved to America).
Even though I may communicate better with Korean Americans, my experience has also improved how I communicate with other Koreans. Respect is a very important part of Korean culture, especially when it comes to elders. Learning about mannerisms and etiquette has helped me to be respectful to elders. Bowing to elders and speaking in a respectful way are very important to the Korean culture. When speaking Korean, there are different ways to speak, such as when you speak to your friends you would look at them and not use the respectful endings on words. When speaking to elders, you would bow, not look them in the eye and you would always use the respectful ending on words. For example, to say hello to a friend you would say “Ahn yeong” but to an elder you would say “Ahn young ha se yo.” I liked the example at the beginning of chapter 2 in the book where Hyun was seen bowing to her mentor and her colleagues mistook the bow for her being submissive to men. Her colleagues were not aware of her cultural beliefs of showing respect to and elder/superior by bowing. It’s things like these that help me to understand what is going on around me and to also communicate better.
I am very thankful for my experience at college, not only with Korean but also with other cultures (though it hasn’t been to the same degree). I think that learning about these cultures has been one of the most invaluable experiences I’ve had in college and I look forward to learning more as it helps me to understand and relate to people better.
It was through joining ASA and being friends with this person that I was introduced to many people of different Asian backgrounds. I was interested in all of the Asian cultures, but I became very fond of the Korean culture because of my friend who also introduced me to a predominantly Korean church that she had started attending freshman year. Through these experiences, I made a lot of Korean friends and was often exposed to their culture in terms of food, activities, language, etc. My friends also taught me a lot about the culture, like learning about etiquette, standards, and cultural beliefs
Learning about Korean culture through my friends and my experiences has been a blessing and in no way can compare to learning about cultures through “what you hear” or “what you read.” More importantly, I have found that being able to become familiar with the culture in this manner has allowed me to communicate differently with my friends or even other Koreans that I meet. Over the past four years, I have picked up on Korean words and I have also recently started to learn the basics of speaking Korean. Being familiar with words has helped me to better understand the context of conversations, or cultural references and has helped me to also reference Korean words or phrases. Learning about Korean culture has helped me to relate more to them, which helps my friends and I to have conversations we otherwise wouldn’t be able to.
Overall, our communication is enhanced not only because I am familiar with their culture, but also because they are familiar with the American culture. If I were to go over to Korea, my communication with people there would not be the same as my friends because their perspective of American culture is different. Since my friends have lived in America and experienced the culture, and I have experienced their culture through them, it has provided more of a balance that has helped us to better relate and communicate. Knowing about American culture has also helped my friends when they are trying to explain Korean beliefs or concepts to me. Often, there are words or concepts that my friend will tell me isn’t really found in American Language but she is able to relate in ways that I understand. I think if she wasn’t as familiar with American culture, she would have a harder time explaining (as I have experienced with some Koreans who recently moved to America).
Even though I may communicate better with Korean Americans, my experience has also improved how I communicate with other Koreans. Respect is a very important part of Korean culture, especially when it comes to elders. Learning about mannerisms and etiquette has helped me to be respectful to elders. Bowing to elders and speaking in a respectful way are very important to the Korean culture. When speaking Korean, there are different ways to speak, such as when you speak to your friends you would look at them and not use the respectful endings on words. When speaking to elders, you would bow, not look them in the eye and you would always use the respectful ending on words. For example, to say hello to a friend you would say “Ahn yeong” but to an elder you would say “Ahn young ha se yo.” I liked the example at the beginning of chapter 2 in the book where Hyun was seen bowing to her mentor and her colleagues mistook the bow for her being submissive to men. Her colleagues were not aware of her cultural beliefs of showing respect to and elder/superior by bowing. It’s things like these that help me to understand what is going on around me and to also communicate better.
I am very thankful for my experience at college, not only with Korean but also with other cultures (though it hasn’t been to the same degree). I think that learning about these cultures has been one of the most invaluable experiences I’ve had in college and I look forward to learning more as it helps me to understand and relate to people better.
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